The 2 Million Year-Old Home Inspector

[James H. Bushart]

Recently, in the jungles of the Amazon River, anthropologists discovered an ancient race of people who have been alive for over 2 million years and were in perfect health, untouched by modern civilization.

Among them....their resident home inspector.

He was recently interviewed by a reporter for National Geographic. Here is a part of that interview:

Reporter: Sir. It is amazing to think that anyone could be as old as you and still inspecting houses.

Inspector: Really? Gosh. I was trained by Frank Carrio. Is he not still alive?

Reporter: Tell me, for the record, what was it like doing home inspections two-million years ago.

Inspector: Yikes...the crawl spaces were horrible. You could find anything in there. And...when your flashlight would pick up the reflection of something with three eyes...you knew you had gone far enough...

Reporter: Oh, Jesus....

Inspector: Yes...I did his house, too. Nice man.

Reporter: You inspected Jesus' house? I don't think it was ever recorded that he actually owned a home.

Inspector: Oh, yes. It was on Third Street in Jerusalem...back when it only had three streets, I think. I can't remember the names of the other two streets, though....

Reporter: What kind of house was it?

Inspector: A fixer upper, for sure. He was a carpenter, you know. He planned to flip it after a few months, but then the Romans kind of put the kabitz on that. They tripled the property taxes....I think he lost some money on that deal.

Reporter: Did you ever inspect a home in Rome?

Inspector: Hey, that rhymes. You are very good.

Reporter: Thank you. Did you?

Inspector: Actually, I did. It was a palace with lots of nice stuff, but no plumbing. I couldn't believe it. Solid gold tooth brushes and diamond studded living room furniture...things like that...but you had to go outside to pee. And the worse part...the very worse part....no one had invented toilet paper yet and all they served in the whole town was Italian food....

Reporter: Sounds bad...

Inspector: It was bad. The kitchens were horrible. You know, the Romans would feast and feast and ...when they finished..they would induce themselves to vomit. It was all a part of the meal...much like a "burp" is, today. Well, the vomit buckets were in the kitchen and our SOP made them a part of the inspection...

Reporter: You had an SOP back then.

Inspector: Of course. Our E&O insurers required it.

Reporter: E&O? Home inspectors could be sued?

Inspector: Oh, yes. One inspector did a cave and totally missed the Raptor in the garage. It wound up eating half the family.

Reporter: Ouch. I'll bet that cost some money.

Inspector: Yes. Lots of bad press on that one. Then...there was the cave that was built directly over a volcano...who coulda known?

Reporter: Well, it does not look like things have changed that much for home inspectors in the last 2 million years.

Inspector: Probably not...tell me this. Are they all licensed yet? They started pushing for that right when I first got in the business.

Reporter: Many are, but not all.

Inspector: Good. Well, I gotta go.

Reporter: Thanks for the interview. Perhaps others viewing this thread would like to leave a question for you. Would that be okay?

Inspector: Sure. That would be fine...as long as I don't have to deal with code issues.