Gotta love Engineer jokes

[William J. Decker]

Engineers
Bubba and Ray ( Arkansas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!

[William J. Decker]

God and the Devil discuss an Engineer


Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[William Warner]

Good ones!


How do you torture an engineer?

Tie him to a chair and fold a map backwards in front of him.



That was my dad. Man would he cuss when he pulled out a map us kids had been using and folded up wrong.

[Dale L. Staben]

Two engineering students are walking across campus, one student looks at the other one and says "That is a great new mountain bike you got there where did you get it" The second one says "the other day a gorgeous blond rides up on her bike,throws the bike to the ground, rips off all her clothes and screams take whatever you want"
The second stundent thinks about that for a second and says, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

[Barry Adair]

ok, just to keep it on the lighter sideYou might be an engineer if . . .
. . . you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
. . . you enjoy pain.
. . . you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
. . . you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
. . . you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
. . . when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
. . . it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
. . . you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
. . . you always do homework on Friday nights.
. . . you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
. . . you think in “math.”
. . . you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
. . . you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
. . . you have a pet named after a scientist.
. . . you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
. . . the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
. . . you can translate English into Binary.
. . . you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says "Exit.”
. . . you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
. . . you are completely addicted to caffeine.
. . . you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
. . . you consider any non-science course “easy.”
. . . when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
. . . the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
. . . you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
. . . you understood more than five of these indicators.
. . . you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
. . . you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
. . . you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it's simply twice as big as it needs to be.

[Larry D. Kage]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:

1. 532 . 35 cm3 gluten
2. 4 . 9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4 . 9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236 . 6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177 . 45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177 . 45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4 . 9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473 . 2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236 . 6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

[dshock]

Originally Posted by wdecker

Engineers
Bubba and Ray ( Arkansas mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!

Why are they always from Arkansas?T|>

[Doug Edwards, CMI]

Its a lower form of bigotry and usually comes as a complete surprise to those who possess it.