These are things you know how to use but never knew they had perfect definitions.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the
room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar
calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say…“Oh sh–!!!”
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touchup jobs into
major refinishing projects
.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conductor of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
[FONT=Times New Roman]OXYACETYLENE TORCH:[/FONT]
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the race
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or socket you’ve been searching for
thelast 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity and operator reflexes/dodging capabilities.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering a carriage/automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing all types of wood splinters (see EIGHT-FOOT LONG
YELLOW PINE 2X4) and wire wheel debris.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in
Bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare beginners
into choosing another line of work.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
tip on the end opposite the handle.
TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D (the sunshine vitamin), which is not otherwise found
under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-
watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusted bolts which were last over-
tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to
remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
And rubber or plastic parts.
NOTE: Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling “DAMMIT!!” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
Next tool that you will need.
Received this in an e-mail from my dad…
puts a nice smile on my face before I head up to bed.
Wick