The Wanker Guide by Raymond Wand

[Mario A. Kyriacou, CHI]

The Wanker Guide by Raymond Wand


So, you’re a wanker. You’d like to let people know about wankerism, and you’d also like to call attention to people, events, and institutions which are fundamentally anti-wankerific. On the other hand, you’re really more concerned with what your friends think than with getting your point across or achieving any goal. What to do?
Well look no further, wanker, for here is the definitive Guide to Ineffectual Protesting. Let’s begin!

Step One: Aim for the circle jerk.

Your first step is to connect with other wankers, because you really don’t want to do this alone. One wanker with a “The End Is Nigh” sign is a kook, but thirty is a grand circle jerk! The more like-minded people you find, the more fun it’ll be and the safer and braver you’ll feel when out on the protest, not to mention how much easier it’ll be when everyone around you thinks alike.
If you’re a college student, finding other wankers is an easy task: simply recruit acquaintances (”Would you like to wank with me?” “Ummmm….” “Oh come on you don’t want to be a fascist!” “Well since you put it that way, sure!”) or set up in the common area with a big smile and plenty of pamphlets on your pet cause.
If you’re not a student and instead have one of those bourgeois job things, achieving the circle jerk might be more of a challenge. This is where the internet comes in: social networking sites being all the rage, it’s never been easier to set up an online recruiting forum and associated resource site. With sites like Ning, you can attract interested wankers from all over your city.
Step Two: Plan for failure.


Now that you have a nicely sized group of motivated wankers, you’ll need to plan your protest carefully. Most people new to activism do not realize this at first, but it is dangerously easy to stage a successful protest and so you’ll need to learn how to avoid their mistakes. Here are some tips to get you started!

1. Choose a protest location that gets as little foot and vehicle traffic as possible. Nothing ruins an ineffectual protest like attention, so that’s the first thing you’ll want to avoid. Pick somewhere that’s inaccessible via public transit, distant from major city centres, and really hard to see from the road. Ideal locations include sheer cliffs, the desert, and Pasadena. If anyone asks, you’re “taking it to the man” and “speaking truth to power” by holding your protest outside an uninteresting office building where some Important AntiWanker Meeting is being held. Don’t worry, nobody will ever question whether those you’re protesting hear your message. If you’ve done it right, they won’t care.
2. Coordinate to make sure your group’s signs and flyers are covered with wordy treatises, internet memes (longjew is looooooooooooooong), and offensive buzzwords (Nazi! Holocaust! Apartheid!). The easiest way to be ineffectual is to stop a conversation before it even starts: remember that you’re not here to change anyone’s mind, but to assert your right to be as annoying as possible. First Amendment, *****.
3. Stage bits of street theatre only when nobody is looking. Remember! Other people won’t GET you! You’re too sophisticated! God if anyone ever SAW you, you’d be flirting with success and responsibility. Save your improvisational play/live-action rickroll depicting Jews as Nazis for when there is absolutely no audience apart from yourselves.

Step Three: Complete the wank and enjoy release


Congratulations! You’ve held your protest and nobody noticed. What’s left to do? Well never fear, wanker, the circle jerk doesn’t have to end with the protest!

1. When you get home, take a soothing fragranced bath and have some chamomile tea. Thusly prepared, upload your video of yourself to YouTube and photos to Facebook. Don’t forget to post links on your group’s forum for your pat on the back!
2. Make a blog post (yes I am aware, shut up) and a press release detailing your exploits. Make sure it sounds as heroic as you can muster without seeming to fall into self-parody.
3. Google yourself! Now, this might seem more dickish than wankish, but it’s a vital step: no circle jerk is complete without the media circle feeding on itself. If you never Google yourself, you’ll never know who noticed your stunt, and you’ll never know what to do to make it even worse next time!
4. Having thusly Googled yourself, take time out from your busy schedule to argue with people who happened to see your protest but who don’t seem to “get it.” Compose lengthy posts detailing why they should care, no matter how many times you read the phrase “I don’t care.”
5. Return to your group’s central forum and report on your Escapades in Cyberspace, in exchange for One Free Hand Job. Begin planning the next ineffectual protest.

Congratulations! You’ve staged a completely inconsequential charade. Pat yourself on the back and keep repeating, “I’ve made a difference. I’ve made a difference. I’ve made a difference.”

[Mario A. Kyriacou, CHI]

Profile Name Raymond Wand Company Raymond Wand Home Inspection Service E-mail Contact Raymond Wand (Raymond Wand Home Inspection Service) Website http://www.raymondwand.ca Office Phone (519) 942-9496 Cell Phone (519) 942-6647 Description Raymond is an inspector who has met the rigorous requirements to be a provider of professional home inspections that combines the highest technical skills with superior customer service.

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Raymond Wand provides professional residential inspection services to buyers and sellers throughout Caledon, Wellington, Halton, Dufferin, and Peel Counties in Ontario, Canada.

As the principal inspector, Raymond has conducted over two-thousand inspections for satisfied clients from Canada, including some of Canada's top CEO's, as well as corporate and private relocations for clients from the U.S.A., England, Germany, and France. The company has been operating full time locally since 1991. At RWHIS my business is derived exclusively from reputation, referrals and repeat clients.
ETHICS
• Raymond does not give or solicit referral fees of any kind •
• Concentrating on one inspection at a time •
• Pride in the accuracy of each inspection •
• Prompt, courteous, honest, and reliable service •• Focus on quality not quantity •

American Society of Home Inspectors - Certified Member (ASHI No. 243201)
National Association of Home Inspectors (NACHI) - Certified Home Inspector (C.H.I. No. I05091196) EXPELLED FOR COE VIOLATIONS
Ontario Association of Home Inspectors (OAHI) - Registered Home Inspector (R.H.I. No. 00029)
Former Discipline and Professional Practices Committee Chair (OAHI)
Town of Caledon Heritage Committee Member
CMHC Investigators Indoor Air Quality Course
Graduate Of The Ontario Real Estate Course (OREA)
Graduate of the Carson Dunlop & Associates ~ Inspection Training Program
Environmental Farm Program Course
On-site New Construction Inspection Training Course
Toronto Arson Task Force Seminar
Steering Committee Member - Revision of Home Care: A Guide to Repair and Maintenance Publication - Produced by Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation (CMHC)
Graduate of Humber College of Applied Arts - Law Enforcement Diploma with (Honours)











Areas of Expertise

- Pre-Listing & Pre-Purchase Home Inspections
- Small Commercial Buildings
- Estate Properties/Heritage
- Indoor Air Quality Investigation
- Litigation Support/Research/Expert Testimony
- Supervision of Construction and Renovations
- Documentation For Insurance Claims